coolhanderik ([info]coolhanderik) wrote,
@ 2008-04-13 22:55:00
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Current mood: tired

MY GOD, AN ENTRY
Today for the first time in a really long time I read a whole book in one day. Ham on Rye by Charles Bukowski.

I've had so much input all day that I decided I needed some output, so I wrote a poem:

Ice covers the harvest and we wait for the thaw
The ocean rolls against the sand, if you stare at it long enough you can see the start
We all came from wetness
When we die we are dry

The earth swallows you back up and nothing matters
Everything is beautiful while it lasts
Mundane is beauty
Life is gorgeous

War is caused by hate run by hate and filled with hate
Those who hate, hate so they can love
From death comes life
From life stems death

We are never ending
We are everything and nothing
We will always be remembered
We will always be forgotten

Our lives have crossed paths permanently
We will not forget eachother.




(2 comments) - (Post a new comment)


[info]best_intentions
2008-04-16 01:22 pm UTC (link)
I think this is some kind of wonderful. One thing I think you should consider is where you turn and break your lines, and maybe some revisions in cutting superfluous words and punctuation. If I revised this, I'd have something like:

Ice covers the harvest and we wait for the thaw.
The ocean rolls against the sand,
if you stare at it long enough you can see the start -
we all came from wetness
when we die
we are dry.

Nothing matters -
the earth swallows you back up, yet
everything is beautiful while it lasts.
Mundane is beauty,
life is gorgeous -

War is caused by hate run by hate filled with hate
Those who hate
hate so they can love.
From death comes life
From life stems death

We are never ending -
we are everything and nothing,
we will always be remembered.
We will always be forgotten.

Our lives have crossed paths permanently, and
we cannot forget each other.

But anyway, man, keep writing.

(Reply to this) (Thread)


[info]coolhanderik
2008-04-21 08:56 pm UTC (link)
Thanks man, I really do appreciate the advice! And glad you liked it. ;)

(Reply to this) (Parent)


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